Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Jungles, caves, dreadlocks and villages

There was a moment in time that I thought dreading my hair was a great idea. I was nineteen, learning to scuba dive on Koh Tao and an absolute fool. One of my dive instructors was a young, fit, blonde Austrian chick. She had the kind of dreads that could convince even the preppiest of individuals that dreads were a good life decision. She oozed the kind of nonchalant badass-ary that my pseudo-rebellious teenage self thought I should emulate. Fortunately for future Denise, fear of having to shave my head when I was finished with the dreads or being that chick with permanently smelly hair deterred me from following through. This weekend, sitting on a three hour boat ride upriver into the jungle behind the 19 year-old who chose not to heed those internal warnings made me eternally grateful that I passed on the dreadlocked stage of my adolescence. Even the running river and fresh air can't overpower the stench of poor dreadlocks and dirty wannabe hippie.

That said, I must admit I have poor luck with people while traveling. I always end up my overnight treks or boat rides with boring couples, people who don't speak English, angry Russians or whiney soap-boxers. My first mistake on this particular trip to spend three days hiking and sleeping in Taman Negara, a 2,500,000 year old virgin rainforest, was to assume that the two young Europeans I would be with would be good company. My first clue to the alternative should've been this girl's hair. When your dreads look like you simply allowed a series of birds to build nests in your hair without ever bathing, you may want to consider a different hair style as this one clearly doesn't suit you. Her personality was no better. Between the two, I'm lucky I was able to keep down my lunch.




Anyways, I've digressed from the point of this post: the Jungle. Plus, I swore I would keep my negativity separate. I can't keep all my promises.

Taman Negara is a virgin rainforest in central Malaysia in the state of Pehang. Having avoided every ice age, geologists can estimate the age of the forest to 2.5million years old. Pretty damn cool, if I do say so. The protected lands are home to wild elephants, tigers, boars, and a variety of monkeys, birds, reptiles, fish, etc. And leeches. Tiny, slimy, deceptively fast, blood sucking leeches. After the rain, these suckers are brutal and nearly impossible to avoid.



We spent about 6+ hours a day hiking through the jungle to reach a cave or village to sleep in that night.

I loved being the jungle. Believe it or not. Sweating. Laughing (usually at dreads falling into rivers with poor balance). Trekking through mud and rivers. Uphill, jumping over fallen trees. There's something freeing and primal about the entire experience. I can say this because in the back of my mind I knew I would return to my shitty dorm room in a couple days times. And eventually to the comforts of my life colored by hot water, air conditioning and all the joys of stateside life.



However, what really struck me was being in this village and gaining even a fleeting understanding of their culture but more critically, at least for my concern, the effect of outsiders (namely NGOs and tourism) on their sustainability and cohesion.

Background on local Orang Asli. They are semi-nomadic, moving every few months. Specifically, they change camp when a member of the village passes away. Villages are comprised by about ten families. This particular village had been in place for what we had been told was a 'long time', about ten months. So as I sat discussing village life with Riffi, my guide, and John a local village guide I wasn't surprised in the least to look around and visibly see the impact of consumerism on the village.



I remember seeing this when I was trekking Thailand, years ago. I visited a village of the Karen Hill tribe minority near the border with Myanmar. At the time I was shocked to see a small satellite dish and spotty television in one the family's modest homes. My western sentiments were appalled by this pristine village being corrupted by the influence of trash television. God love 19yo Denise. So idealist. So self-righteous.

Since then however, one thing I have come to understand is the significantly negative impact uninformed charity work and tourism can cause an isolated community like the Orang Asli village in which I stayed. Everywhere around the village one didn't have to look far to find a discarded bag of chips, can of meat or faded container of some food source sent in by a local non-government organization seeking to better the lives of villagers. So true also is the effect of tourism. I like to think I try to avoid extremely detrimental situations such as a day trip that visited another Orang Asli village, dubbed the tourism village, in which villagers daily entertain the photographs and troves of outsiders. In my idealism and naivety, I hope that when my guide tells me he is the only person who visits this particular village and they chose to limit their exposure, he is only speaking sincerely but one cannot be so sure.

Nevertheless, what does often happen in these cases, is the exposure to such outside influences degrades the culture and rips away at what sustains this way of life. But who are we to say whether or not a culture should or should not be change according to a western definition of process. I recall reading 'Development According to My Mother' in which a Columbia educated PhD candidate in development studies went back to re-evaluate everything she'd studied. I must clarify, she grew up in rural Thailand, in a small village. After years of education in the US, her piece beautifully questioned everything she'd learned about developed and sustainability. Why did her mother living a simple and happy village life need plastic? Didn't her banana leaves work well enough to contain food? Did her bamboo or local tools not suffice? Of course, they did. And they were far more sustainable and environmentally friendly than any "charity" or "development" of an NGO or foreign government.




Her's was a piece that left me questioning everything I thought I was working towards in my undergraduate education. Her's was a piece that led me never to seriously pursue work in the field of international development after graduation. Seriously questioning the very notion and the role in which foreigners could and should sustainably play a role in societal change. Real change can and should happen in most places, especially the US if I do say so myself. But that change, especially if rooted in cultural ideals and history must, exclusively come from and being forged from within. I no longer feel right with the idea of being a leader of change in a community of which I am not intrinsically a part.

This rant sincerely does tie into my experience in the village. In that to me it speaks to the role of ignorant involvement. A tourist bringing candy to children in a isolated village not only encourages children to expect and ask for that from the next person they see but can have a long standing effect on the evolution of that community if the habit continues. This isn't even to mention the issues of child nourishment and malnutrition.

And here I stand on my soap-box. I started this blurb venting on the types of people who get under my skin only to come full circle and expose that our deepest aggravations are rooted in our own weaknesses. AKA my soap-box is usually close by.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Confessions of a Narcoleptic Meditator


My teacher says the tingling/prickling I feel all over my body is a sign I'm maturing in my meditation. ..... I think I'm just getting a rash.

My friend Kate should never go into marketing. I told her this in Bangkok I believe shortly after she attempted to convince me to join Crossfit. Her pitch involved building gym relationships that were so great because of all the farting, vomiting and other bodily functions you shared during workouts. Not a big seller, even for the likes of me. A country-wide water fight, a lot of beer, a couple of days and some cheap Thai whiskey later came her next pitch : a silent Vipassana meditation retreat.

"It's so great. By day three, you'll be going mad. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll sing Lion King songs to yourself in your mind. It's very painful. You should go." I'm paraphrasing and simplifying, of course. Clearly, Kate doesn't understand the breadth of insanity already taking place in my inner monologue. The last thing I need is a ten-day long silent meditation retreat! Yeah, wonderful, leave me to my own devices and thoughts! But before I knew it, there I was, signed-up. Locked in and ready to go. Or so I thought.

Vipassana is a form of meditation dating back over 2500 years. You dedicated readers out there may recall this number has crossed your path in reading my ramblings recently. You are correct. Vipassana is believed (by its practitioners) to be the specific form of meditation use by Sidharrtha Gautama (the Buddha) in order to achieve full enlightenment/liberation/nirvana. Vipassana is an "insight" meditation practice where you where you focus on breath and physical sensation in order to alleviated deep seeded cravings and aversions (you know... Buddhism. All suffering comes from desires etc). It "disappeared" for about two millennia from the land of it's birth, India, but the practice was retained in Burma (Myanmar). Enter the twentieth century and a man named S.N. Goenka who self-fulfilled a prophecy and brought the practice back to India and has since sought to spread it around the world.

Here's the daily schedule, just to give you an idea of the day-to-day at Dhamma Malaya:

4:00AM -- Morning Wake-up bell
4:30-6:30AM -- Meditate in the hall or your own residence
6:30-8:00AM -- Breakfast and break
8:00-9:00AM -- Group meditation in Dhamma hall
9:00-11:00AM -- Meditate in the hall or your own residence according to teacher's                 instructions.
11:00-12:00PM -- Lunch break
12:00-1:00PM -- Rest and interview with teachers
1:00-2:30PM -- Meditate in the hall or your own residence
2:30-3:30PM -- Group meditation in Dhamma hall
3:00-5:00PM -- Meditate in the hall or your own residence according to teacher's instructions.
5:00-6:00PM -- Tea break
6:00-7:00PM -- Group meditation in Dhamma hall
7:00-8:15PM -- Discourse (recorded lessons on Vipassana technique and Dhamma)
8:15-9:00PM -- Group meditation in Dhamma hall
9:00-9:30PM -- Question time in the hall
10:00PM -- Lights out.

Check out the website (http://dhamma.org.au/v/a/app?re=asia&sc=my&co=326&la=EN) for the center I attended which goes into more FAQ, rules, detail about the course in general.


When I initially imagined this posting it was hysterical. Riddled with the inner-workings of my neurotic breakdown over the course of 10+ days (there was actually a Day Zero and a Day 11 as well). But like with most things in my life, nothing is ever as funny as it sounds in my own head. Pitty, cause in here, I'm pretty damn funny. Probably for the best though, better to not publicly broadcast my deepest neuroses to everyone; leave a little something to YOUR imagination cause there's nothing left to mind.

Early on in the course, I found myself oddly confident, even arrogant, in my ability to "get through it". I had no misconceptions that likely I wouldn't have some dramatic life breakthrough but just that maybe I'd learn a few things and hopefully gain a little clarity/relaxation/calm. It didn't take long for my mind to wander into renditions of Footloose's "Learning to be Silent" and episodes of my self-created sitcom, Dhamma Summer Camp, in which I escape through the tall grasses of the compound and find fun and music on the boys' side. I imagined that likely most other campers  meditators were also contemplating their own jailbreaks. Later, when the silence ended, I would learn just how many people drank the kool aid.  

By Day 6, my confidence began to dissipate. Truth be told : I am an awful meditator. The whole point of the physical silence is to attempt to reach a state of mental silence. Clearly, Goenka and his assistant teachers have never dealt with the likes of Denise Spain, cause there is no silencing the inner workings of this mind. During meditations, the bellowing voice of Goenka would tell us that whenever our minds wander, not to worry or feel depression, disappointment or sadness. Simply to recognize our minds have wandered and bring concentration back to the observation of breath (and sensation). I never got depressed/disappointment/sad because when my mind wandered, I was all: "Oh yeah, I could get a motorcycle in New Orleans. Yeah, I should email Casey about that. Ooo what color? Should I get saddle bags? I wonder if I could transfer my license? I haven't been on a motorcycle since Sri Lankan. Hm I should get one in Penang. Yes good idea Denise." And on it goes. Never ending, mental banter with myself. Trust me, if you've had any impact on my life in the past 10 years, I probably thought about you more in those 10 days than the past 10 years cumulative. Sad truth.

When my mind wasn't wandering, there's a good chance I still wasn't meditating. Most likely, I was sleeping. Those mornings came EARLY. And this girl has never been an early riser. Inhale. Exhale. Sensation. Inhale. Exhale. Sensation. Before I knew it, the hour would be up. Because narcoleptic Denise had slept the whole session. Whoops. I've always been a weird combination of insomniac and narcoleptic. Heaven forbid I sleep at night, in bed. But put me in a meditation hall, on a public bus, metro system, university classroom, anywhere I should be alert and aware and I'm out like a light.

Just as I thought, at the end of Day 6, that I too would turn a corner the next day, as Goenka promised, it burst. Literally. It burst, my right ear drum. Yup, middle of the night; ruptured. Apparently it got jealous of all the sensations my left ear (which was already ruptured and severely infected) was receiving so it decided to get in on the action. Day 7-10 became pretty interesting being mostly deaf with ringing/drumming/pounding in both ears. As I told the teacher, the silence can be incredibly deafening. The second rupture did however give me an excuse to utilize some pretty potent pain killers I wasn't meant to be taking during the course. Let's just say my meditations got a lot more interesting. I bordered somewhere between serene meditator and Jack from The Shining. All work and no play makes Denise a dull girl.

I could rant for pages about the mental tangents I took, the so called "non-secular" approach of Vipassana, the chanting, Goenka's cough, my cellblock room, the technique, etc. But I think the moment they lost me all comes down to the moment they mentioned uprooting all your deep repressed emotions/sankhara/cravings/aversions. My sub-conscious mind threw on the breaks and squealed to a halt. "Oh hell no!" That's  one of my cardinal rules "Repress all emotion so you don't have to cope properly" is right up there with "not speaking when I'm intoxicated" and "only being interested in men who are emotionally unavailable". Some people call these defense mechanisms. I call them survival skills.

All in all, I've concluded a few things about my experience. I am an extrovert. I like people. I really do. Okay, I like intelligent, interesting, clean people. Preferably adults. Okay, revision: I like some people. But the point is, I'm not the type of person who should be left to my own devices/thoughts. Do I think I had the opportunity to experience something new? Yes. Do I think I gain something positive from the experience? Yes. Can I give those positives a name? No. Will I be running to sign up for another Vipassana course? Probably not anytime soon.

Oh and you should be grateful I didn't chronicle my contemplations of the lizard's consciousness, the Chinese lady without a bra, my musical interludes, Goenka's snorting and my silent dissent into insanity.