My teacher says the tingling/prickling I feel all over my body is a sign I'm maturing in my meditation. ..... I think I'm just getting a rash.
My friend Kate should never go into marketing. I told her this in Bangkok I believe shortly after she attempted to convince me to join Crossfit. Her pitch involved building gym relationships that were so great because of all the farting, vomiting and other bodily functions you shared during workouts. Not a big seller, even for the likes of me. A country-wide water fight, a lot of beer, a couple of days and some cheap Thai whiskey later came her next pitch : a silent Vipassana meditation retreat.
"It's so great. By day three, you'll be going mad. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll sing Lion King songs to yourself in your mind. It's very painful. You should go." I'm paraphrasing and simplifying, of course. Clearly, Kate doesn't understand the breadth of insanity already taking place in my inner monologue. The last thing I need is a ten-day long silent meditation retreat! Yeah, wonderful, leave me to my own devices and thoughts! But before I knew it, there I was, signed-up. Locked in and ready to go. Or so I thought.
Vipassana is a form of meditation dating back over 2500 years. You dedicated readers out there may recall this number has crossed your path in reading my ramblings recently. You are correct. Vipassana is believed (by its practitioners) to be the specific form of meditation use by Sidharrtha Gautama (the Buddha) in order to achieve full enlightenment/liberation/nirvana. Vipassana is an "insight" meditation practice where you where you focus on breath and physical sensation in order to alleviated deep seeded cravings and aversions (you know... Buddhism. All suffering comes from desires etc). It "disappeared" for about two millennia from the land of it's birth, India, but the practice was retained in Burma (Myanmar). Enter the twentieth century and a man named S.N. Goenka who self-fulfilled a prophecy and brought the practice back to India and has since sought to spread it around the world.
Here's the daily schedule, just to give you an idea of the day-to-day at Dhamma Malaya:
4:00AM -- Morning Wake-up bell
4:30-6:30AM -- Meditate in the hall or your own residence
6:30-8:00AM -- Breakfast and break
8:00-9:00AM -- Group meditation in Dhamma hall
9:00-11:00AM -- Meditate in the hall or your own residence according to teacher's instructions.
11:00-12:00PM -- Lunch break
12:00-1:00PM -- Rest and interview with teachers
1:00-2:30PM -- Meditate in the hall or your own residence
2:30-3:30PM -- Group meditation in Dhamma hall
3:00-5:00PM -- Meditate in the hall or your own residence according to teacher's instructions.
5:00-6:00PM -- Tea break
6:00-7:00PM -- Group meditation in Dhamma hall
7:00-8:15PM -- Discourse (recorded lessons on Vipassana technique and Dhamma)
8:15-9:00PM -- Group meditation in Dhamma hall
9:00-9:30PM -- Question time in the hall
10:00PM -- Lights out.
Check out the website (http://dhamma.org.au/v/a/app?re=asia&sc=my&co=326&la=EN) for the center I attended which goes into more FAQ, rules, detail about the course in general.
When I initially imagined this posting it was hysterical. Riddled with the inner-workings of my neurotic breakdown over the course of 10+ days (there was actually a Day Zero and a Day 11 as well). But like with most things in my life, nothing is ever as funny as it sounds in my own head. Pitty, cause in here, I'm pretty damn funny. Probably for the best though, better to not publicly broadcast my deepest neuroses to everyone; leave a little something to YOUR imagination cause there's nothing left to mind.
Early on in the course, I found myself oddly confident, even arrogant, in my ability to "get through it". I had no misconceptions that likely I wouldn't have some dramatic life breakthrough but just that maybe I'd learn a few things and hopefully gain a little clarity/relaxation/calm. It didn't take long for my mind to wander into renditions of Footloose's "Learning to be Silent" and episodes of my self-created sitcom, Dhamma Summer Camp, in which I escape through the tall grasses of the compound and find fun and music on the boys' side. I imagined that likely most other
By Day 6, my confidence began to dissipate. Truth be told : I am an awful meditator. The whole point of the physical silence is to attempt to reach a state of mental silence. Clearly, Goenka and his assistant teachers have never dealt with the likes of Denise Spain, cause there is no silencing the inner workings of this mind. During meditations, the bellowing voice of Goenka would tell us that whenever our minds wander, not to worry or feel depression, disappointment or sadness. Simply to recognize our minds have wandered and bring concentration back to the observation of breath (and sensation). I never got depressed/disappointment/sad because when my mind wandered, I was all: "Oh yeah, I could get a motorcycle in New Orleans. Yeah, I should email Casey about that. Ooo what color? Should I get saddle bags? I wonder if I could transfer my license? I haven't been on a motorcycle since Sri Lankan. Hm I should get one in Penang. Yes good idea Denise." And on it goes. Never ending, mental banter with myself. Trust me, if you've had any impact on my life in the past 10 years, I probably thought about you more in those 10 days than the past 10 years cumulative. Sad truth.
When my mind wasn't wandering, there's a good chance I still wasn't meditating. Most likely, I was sleeping. Those mornings came EARLY. And this girl has never been an early riser. Inhale. Exhale. Sensation. Inhale. Exhale. Sensation. Before I knew it, the hour would be up. Because narcoleptic Denise had slept the whole session. Whoops. I've always been a weird combination of insomniac and narcoleptic. Heaven forbid I sleep at night, in bed. But put me in a meditation hall, on a public bus, metro system, university classroom, anywhere I should be alert and aware and I'm out like a light.
Just as I thought, at the end of Day 6, that I too would turn a corner the next day, as Goenka promised, it burst. Literally. It burst, my right ear drum. Yup, middle of the night; ruptured. Apparently it got jealous of all the sensations my left ear (which was already ruptured and severely infected) was receiving so it decided to get in on the action. Day 7-10 became pretty interesting being mostly deaf with ringing/drumming/pounding in both ears. As I told the teacher, the silence can be incredibly deafening. The second rupture did however give me an excuse to utilize some pretty potent pain killers I wasn't meant to be taking during the course. Let's just say my meditations got a lot more interesting. I bordered somewhere between serene meditator and Jack from The Shining. All work and no play makes Denise a dull girl.
I could rant for pages about the mental tangents I took, the so called "non-secular" approach of Vipassana, the chanting, Goenka's cough, my
All in all, I've concluded a few things about my experience. I am an extrovert. I like people. I really do. Okay, I like intelligent, interesting, clean people. Preferably adults. Okay, revision: I like some people. But the point is, I'm not the type of person who should be left to my own devices/thoughts. Do I think I had the opportunity to experience something new? Yes. Do I think I gain something positive from the experience? Yes. Can I give those positives a name? No. Will I be running to sign up for another Vipassana course? Probably not anytime soon.
Oh and you should be grateful I didn't chronicle my contemplations of the lizard's consciousness, the Chinese lady without a bra, my musical interludes, Goenka's snorting and my silent dissent into insanity.
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